- Apr 16, 2020
I have dedicated this area of my blog to focus on an aspect of my life that I am super passionate about ... my job! Unlike a lot of other beauty and lifestyle bloggers, my blog isn’t my main career! During the weekdays, my life is dedicated to helping people who have fallen out of love find solutions ... You may have guessed at this point that I’m a divorce lawyer! I love my job because it affords me the opportunity to make my own schedule, be my own boss (I opened up my own practice a few years ago), wear super cute outfits to court & most importantly, it allows me to help people heal.
I have helped hundreds of couples separate and construct parenting plans throughout my career. Through these experiences, I have gained some serious insight into what works and what doesn’t. A lot of people hire their divorce lawyer and think that they will provide them with a magic solution to solve all of their problems. I can tell you now that this simply isn’t the case! Don't get me wrong, when you are going through a separation I think that first thing you should do is retain a family lawyer that is both experienced and trustworthy. You are important and you deserve to know your rights. You also deserve to be protected in the event that your circumstances or your ex’s change in the future.
However, your homework shouldn’t stop with hiring a good lawyer. While your lawyer will be there to construct an enforceable solution for you and your children’s needs, they cannot provide you with true happiness (even if you “win” under the eyes of the law ). I myself have witnessed too many parents go full throttle into the divorce process, hiring lawyers and gearing up for battle, without first addressing their feelings. As a result, many parenting plans (within both court documents and separation agreements) are constructed based on clients instructions that are rooted in both anger and pain. The result is that negotiations between lawyers often end in arguments, delayed decision- making, more hurt and pain, and even higher legal costs for you.
The Divorce Detox:
Just like your liver, lungs and closet, your feelings deserve a good detox every once in a while too. I like to remind my clients that by “detoxing” their feelings on their own time, I will be able to get them quicker, productive and more affordable results when it comes to settling their issues with their ex.
According to Karen Becker, a family coach and author of “A Parents Guide to Divorce: How to raise happy resilient kids through turbulent times”, divorce can be comparable to a death, emotionally speaking, as it is the end of a life you and your spouse had planned for. When an ending such a divorce happens, the stages of grief associated with death also occur:
1. Denial: asking yourself whether the relationship should really be over? You may attempt to reconcile knowing very well there are major issues that can’t be fixed, as there may have already been unsuccessful attempts.
2. The Bargaining stage: toying with different decisions that you can make to impact your decision to divorce. You may ask yourself whether you could make changes to better the relationship?
3. Depression and Sadness
4. Anger: usually comes after sadness and is targeted at your spouse. This stage of grief generally occurs while announcing the divorce or separation.
5. New Hope: for the future and happiness.
This pathway through grief is far from a straight line. Rather, it overlaps, winds and turns depending on your specific journey and the decisions that you make. In reality, many co-parents and spouses going through divorce, including my clients, have reported that the anger phase has resurfaced time and time again throughout the separation and healing process. This is completely normal, especially since everyone has emotional triggers or buttons that can be pushed to get you back there.
According to Karen Becker, in order to maintain that feeling of hope, happiness and new life post separation, it is of upmost importance to identify the triggers that push you into the anger phase. In her own words, be aware of your triggers, acknowledge them, and create a plan to manage them.
This is important right now because if you don’t learn to manage your triggers, you could spend the rest of your light struggling with anger, resentment and malice, and that is not what you want for yourself or your family. Karen’s book outlines a comprehensive plan of action for dealing with these triggers, including acknowledging when you are feeling a “negative” emotion and allowing yourself to feel this way, doing activities (such as exercise, artwork or talking to a therapist) to channel that emotion in a positive direction, and communicating with your spouse in a non-combative manner once this has been done.
I often encourage my clients to engage in mindfulness and yoga as a method to decompress during the process. It is so important to take time for yourself. Divorce is essentially a re-birth and no one is the same person as they were entering the relationship. Get to know yourself again and engage in a plan of action to become the best version of you, for both yourself and your children, if you feel you are not there.
Of course, these steps will not prevent anger from ever re-entering your life and circumventing your co-parenting relationship in the future. Positive and effective communication will likely be struggle for some time. Although you may not like your co-parent, it is of upmost importance for your children’s mental health and wellbeing to communicate effectively with your ex, through sharing information, speaking civilly and planning logistics as a united front.
If you are able to truly engage in this type of detox, your life will flourish and your separation will run a whole lot smoother. Take it from me!
Disclaimer: None of the above info is legal advice. I recommend talking to a divorce lawyer such as myself if you need legal advice pertaining to your separation or divorce.
